Ask PhilippaFamily

You had a stressful childhood and need time to recover. Choose what to do in relation to your own wishes and dreams not in relation to the people you’ve left behind

The question I’m about to turn 33. I live in a very small village in Mexico, alone in a rented house. I’m single with no kids. I work from home for a salary that just covers my bills and debts. My job is easy, but I hate it.

The last decade of my life has been all about survival. I was focused on figuring out how to leave my toxic family and violent neighbourhood. My health suffered. Every day felt like hopelessness. Now I have more tranquillity, space, health and time for my own, but I still do not feel at home and I wonder if I ever will.

I have not done anything great with my life. I have never travelled, don’t have a car or own a home. I couldn’t afford to go to college. I do not have friends and my sex life is nonexistent. I read, but I am not a “serious” reader. I listen to music, but I do not know anything about it. I am not mastering any discipline. I am not getting good at anything.

I see ex-classmates who were never the smartest, but they seem content with their simple lives. Some of them own a small business, have kids, but have no aspirations. I find myself remembering when I was young, the two years I lived with my grandmother. I’ve never been happier than then. I felt safe and loved, and every day was an adventure. I want to feel more alive. That my life has meaning. I don’t like to have reached 33 with nothing to show for it.

Philippa’s answer To me, 33 sounds very young, leaving you with plenty of time left, but I know that when you enter your 30s you can feel as if you are leaving youth behind. Or maybe we can get het up about becoming 33 because it was apparently the age Jesus died. It’s OK, you are in a wilderness and some things take time.

You have been habituated to high levels of internal stress for most of your childhood. When the source of stress stops, it can create unease, boredom and a sense of meaninglessness. What you are going through is to be expected and it is normal. When you are using all your energy to survive, then escape, and you suddenly don’t need to do that, it is not surprising you experience a void.

I wonder what your lack of satisfaction is telling you to do

Perhaps you would have been in a similar position to your old school friends – content with a little business and living to pass on the love they had experienced as children – if Grandma’s love was the only sort of care you ever experienced. Your childhood has given you different things. Insufficient approval can give you a desire to prove yourself, a longing to show those who never believed in you that you can achieve things. Make sure you don’t stress yourself out thinking you must shine brighter to prove them wrong. Do what you do in life in relation to your own wishes and dreams rather than in relation to those people you are trying to leave behind. Don’t bother trying to prove anything to them.

Rather than think of your dissatisfaction as bad, think of it as information. I wonder what it is telling you to do. Maybe move to a larger town where you are more likely to find like-minded people?

The panic that you are running out of time is, I think, your old panic – how to survive and escape. You got into the habit of panic and now it has found a new object – your age – to attach itself to. If you need to stop your thoughts racing, and take your awareness away from your busy mind, try to notice your breathing. Five minutes a day concentrating on your breath can make a positive difference.

Beware of thinking in “all or nothing” statements, such as “nothing to show for it”. You do have things to show for your life – for example, you can write impeccable English. If you say something is completely brilliant or is absolutely no good, you are probably not looking at it realistically. Neither think of yourself as a one nor as a 10 – it will distort your mindset. We take on belief systems from the people we were around when growing up. If you were treated as if you were worthless, or only good if you were like them, that way of thinking will have become familiar. What feels familiar feels true. But it isn’t true, you are simply used to it.

This is the basis for your self-criticism – that inner critic – and you need to separate. You can learn to watch it rather than assume it’s right. It is not right, it is familiar. There is a difference. Notice when you describe yourself negatively, eg “I’m not a serious reader” (you don’t have to be – it is enough to read). Distance yourself from such self-critical thoughts. They are not true, they are a habit, they will be bringing you down.

You need time to recover. You have time. Allow yourself to feel, to think and to just be. When you are ready you can dare to take a step on a path that will lead you on an adventure. Life is not a race. Take as much time as you need.

If you have a question, send a brief email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk

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